I’ve been creating in Ableton a lot these past few weeks and it’s probably one of the only DAWs where I end up recording something. It’s a vibe. Not sure if haunting tones of the synth pads, the groove pockets in the drums or the retro-futuristic feel of minimalism because nothing is ever more than 4-5 sounds.

That aside, I definitely need to write more frequently or just have a better system of finding what I’ve written when the time comes. I’m getting much better at reciting what I write over the beats now. One-take is a necessity but for this exploration, I wonder whether it’s worth re-recording parts for emphasis.

15/11/2010

This thing called life, what’s it all about?

Is it about money, power and respect?
Is it about love, peace and harmony?
Is it about being good, bad and repentant?
Is life simply what you make of it?

I personally feel its the latter.
Who knows when the clock will stop, will you be satisfied when you suddenly find yourself back where you started without any chance to do all the things you wanted?

Life is what you make of it.

Some may argue that its by the will of the Divine, but is it?
Has everything already been written?
If so does the Divine give you free will to follow what’s programmed deep into your soul?
What’s it all about?

Is it all about being afraid to step out of line?
Is it about being guilty for your honest actions?
Is it about being scared of burning in hell fire?
Why’s there always an emphasis on panic and despair?

What’s your life about?
My life involves seeking answers to my ever inquisitive mind, whilst exploring the vast wilderness of creativity, documenting my existence and writing a diary to give to the Divine just in case they are watching someone else.

This thing called life, what’s it all about?

It could be your own feature film or television drama.
You could be transmitting the world through your eyes into the outer regions of the universe who are so far ahead of our time, they already know what’s happening next week, year, lifetime.
If we cast our eyes back to the question…

Is it written?

You can connect the dot to instinct and intuition which allows the mind to calculate and foresee events, forecasting what is going to happen.
One must be extremely attentive to take action because some signs are much more subtle than others, which you only realise what just happened once its too late.

This thing called life, what’s it all about?

Explore yourself.
Know yourself inside out.
Love yourself.
Be honest.
See the beauty in everything.
Look on the bright side.

Its so easy to dwell upon and remember the darkness but we seldom remember the good times, the times we basked considering seven suns.
Times where nothing outside of us mattered.
Us.
Team Seven.

This thing called life, what’s it all about?

Love.
Peace.
Exploration.
Discovery.

Its only when you put these four cornerstones in place is when you can build a serene temple.

Life is what you make of it so don’t waste it because this may be one chance in seven lifetimes to live amongst and experience life as mortals.

Peace

The Slammer was recorded in autumn / winter ‘03. Recorded in 1 take with another for ad-libs at Lincoln’s studio in an industrial estate in Greenwich which doesn’t exist anymore.

Mik Grimton produced the original and I paid £20 to record and have it mixed. Drips pressed it on a Dubplate at Transition Studios sometime afterwards.

The ‘Deptford’ bar is perhaps one of my most memorable as that’s when Air Max ‘95s were £110 and that’s what I used to wear (soft leather preference). Fun fact: it’s probably one of the only bars I gave my bro a shoutout.

Hearing my 17/18 year old self, full of hopes, dreams and naivety has inspired me to reconnect with my essence, allowing me to view my hobbies from a renewed perspective which now has me asking:

“With all the tools you have at your disposal right now in this era, what would Brains do and how would he utilise them?”

‘Growth’ is a funny thing because the older you get, you become like one of those trees in the rainforest: essence of why you do things and who you are is formed at the shrub level and under canopy but eventually you emerge above the canopy obstructing the light penetrating to the shrub level.

I’m not saying we disconnect, in a way we dilute, we adapt, we evolve but no matter how far we grow in search of nutrients from the sun, we remain connected through the roots of ourselves, deep into the soil of who we are.

Again, not a milestone reflection but it very well could be…

Peace

#grime #abletonlive #stemseparator

I finally used Stem Separator in a DAW. Despite having it in MPC, Logic, and Maschine, I never found an excuse or a reason to use it but then it dawned on me “Go into your archives and remix them vintage Grime freestyles”.

As someone who stopped MCing a very long time ago, this brought me back to my origins. Hearing myself at 17/18 years old with so much energy, passion and agility, inspired me in a way I can’t even describe.

This isn’t just milestone talk but genuine inspiration to test out Stem Separator across the other DAWs too.

02/12/2010

It’s very rare that I sit in silence, the only thing I can hear is the sound of buzzing from the light a few centimetres away from me.

I want to write, I felt like writing, I am writing.

Where do I go from here?

The more I write, the more progress I make, I feel like I’m pushing myself even further, causing me to improve. I write much more frequently so its more easier to get a train of thought down, much simpler to type as I think, every thought becoming words, thinking one word or letter at a time, an unspeakable rhythm of events…

The more I think I realise that this is what I would like to do forever. Whatever it is I’m writing will all culminate into something, somewhere along the line. As much as I want to hold back and wait for it all to unfold, I publish my work instantly because I wouldn’t want it to be stale, I hate the feeling of using something that has been left to collect dust, I only like dealing in fresh organic produce because this is after all a set of memoirs dedicated to all trains…

So what’s your point?

I’m not fussed about the future, I’m only fussed about the present, a body of work, and my legacy. I can die tonight and feel satisfied because I’ve littered the earth with a few treasures. I pray that I live to see all my work, creativeness, and dreams come to life as there’s so much more I want to do, so much to arrive…

The main point I wanted to make is that I’m not one of those status quo writers, I’m no journalist, I’m expressive, I’ll stay documenting trains and writing my truth. I stumbled halfway through this paragraph because I don’t want to sound selfish when I say, my truth, my trains, I just want to let you know that I’m no journalist, nor writer, I’m more of a collector because I document significant moments…

This is really annoying, I don’t know why I’m even writing this, I just wanted to let you know that whatever it is I end up doing, it’ll be something I enjoy, something creative and subversive, not anything to do with the status quo…

I really don’t like this but hey… A train of thought nonetheless.

11/11/2010

After a few successes and achievements you’d think I’d be celebrating but you’d be surprised at how different it is in reality.

I don’t feel balanced, my heart, head, and emotions conflict with each other because they all want different things, they all want to say things in different ways, and they all have different thresholds of tolerance.

This trinity of thought, feeling, and expression needs to brought into alignment.

Somehow I need to strike a balance, an agreement between all three.

The solution is to reassess to progress.

Sorta like acclimatising, I really need to take time out from everything.

I really need to contemplate, meditate, to formulate a plan of action.

A lot has happened, so much has happened.

I find myself giving myself pep talks all the time, similar to stay busy, focus on your goals and aspirations.

The pursuit of my goals and aspirations is a very lonely process because you retire inwards to be pensive, look outwards for signs of inspiration before diving into yourself to find an avenue to funnel your creativity through.

I feel exile is quite necessary because I really need to think, I need to find my direction again, I don’t like feeling lost.

Maybe its because for eight months out of my life I didn’t feel like the loner I was so used to being.

I’ve always become accustomed to retreating and retiring inwards rather than living life outwards, apart of the crowd, fitting in.

For eight months someone spoke the same language.

The life of a creative thinker is lonely because as an artist I often view the world through art and see life as an illusion.

The idea of time is an illusion, what we see, feel, language, signs, symbols, are all illusions.

What if I were to say the sky is not blue on a clear summers day, it is scarlet.

Every one would think I’ve lost my mind.

I’d have an army of people trying to contest my view with all their science and preconceived ideas trying to tell me what is, what isn’t, what it should be, why it should be.

They’ll try to shut down my point of view with their pre established habitual ideas, tryna force me round to their way of thinking, their ways of interpretation, constant comparisons of polarities and levels of whatever.

All of which result in suppression of my creative activity, making me scared to do anything outside of what the masses deem to be acceptable.

The only thing arising out of suppression is rebellion because what you ultimately try to force inside a big chest deep in the depths of the subconscious, will slowly seep ideas.

Ideas which escape and plant the seeds of inspiration in the conscious mind and allow you to progress.

I think I’ve suppressed everything creatively for so long that my chest of secrets has burst open.

I care not for the views of others nor the rules of convention, I spare nothing in the path of being artistic.

There comes a time when you realise everything has been an illusion, a mirage of sorts.

Rather than see what you really see, you become caught up in the smoke and mirrors, wandering.

To wander is not a bad thing as its a learning curve which inspires you to question these conventional illusions through unconventional art.

Upon observation I’ve realised that many people develop a dependency on people and possessions.

I myself am far from innocent concerning this but I’ve realised that as you gradually allow yourself to unravel through artistic means, it forces you to become one with yourself as you question all these things.

Why do you have a dependency on that particular brand, that particular possession, that particular person?

The way they make you feel right?

The way you get butterflies and tingle when you see the new collection at your favourite store, put on those shoes, see and speak to that person right?

Its an addiction.

You’re in love.

No matter how you try to break it down its relative.

Love is the biggest illusion of them all, not a negative in any shape or form but its always so easy to lose yourself in all its fruits which then become its trappings.

The way you feel, what you tolerate at the low points because you feel so good when you’re at the high points, the endless spirals of what you want it to be and believe, making a mountain out of something that never existed.

You become addicted.

Addicted to the thrills.

Addicted to the spoils of war.

Addicted to the fruits of emotion.

Addicted to the highs.

Accepting the lows.

Smoke and Mirrors.

Illusions.

Hurt.

Hurting.

Pain.

Broken records skipping over the same lines.

Freeze.

Defrost.

Detachment.

Pushing.

Pulling.

Self Preservation.

Broken dreams and self esteem.

A tarnished heart and spirit.

As much of a success the heights of love were, you still end up regretting the hurt and pain inflicted upon yourself and the other.

The emotion consumes you whilst the pheonix of resentment rises and burns everything within its path.

All bridges are lost.

All ties severed.

All letters turnt to ash.

Your words no longer mean nothing.

The diary you spent writing all that time ago has nothing left to it.

The only bits that survive are the memories, but even so the memories of the good times have become over cast by the clouds of darkness, which led to the final curtain being drawn.

It all becomes an illusion, which sits in the memories you’d rather not remember until you end up burying and forgetting.

I guess life goes on.

I guess its time to leave the departure lounge and board the plane.

I guess its time to bid farewell to the island and document my time spent through a string of odes, which politely capture all moments.

I’m going into self imposed exile.

I need to readjust.

I’ve sent a few messages.

I hope you understand.

21st August 2017

December last year I had decided that I was not going to cut my hair until a collaborative project was released. The intended release date was April 2017 but was subsequently pushed back further and further. During the course of that time I have stayed true to my word, I haven’t cut it. There’s been times where I’ve cut my beard shorter but that’s about it. I really don’t have an end-goal but I feel as though I’ll never cut it.

My hair doesn’t define me in the slightest but it certainly is the stylistic piece I had been missing. It goes with everything; my choice of attire, my character, my frames, but more importantly it has come to be my deviant act of defiance against societal norms. When diving a little deeper beyond the act, I don’t totally reject nor dispel the norms as I go to the barbers every few weeks to neaten my hair, I style it to look like an organised mess and I actually care about how it looks. The defining factor as to why it is rebellious on a personal level is because I do it on my own terms.

I choose how I look, I don’t take into account the perception of others when getting dressed, styling my hair, or buying things. My style has become one with my identity; free flowing in form and spontaneous, functional and effortless, but look a little closer through the air of disorganisation and you begin to see the order of things.

These days I can’t even remember the last time I went to the barbers, rewind a few years and I was wasting money and time by being in the chair every week. I average £5-£10 a month on £5 neaten ups. The rest of the time I’m roaming with unkept but lightly styled hair, without a thought to what I’m doing further down the line. People often ask what I’m going to do with it and whether I’ll grow locks but I like it the way it is for now. I don’t wish to commit to anything, I just want to keep it free form and lightly twisted.

Apparently hair is an extension of your nervous system, some say it makes you more aware, and according to Aboriginal Americans it makes you a better hunter. I’m not sure about all the elaborate details but I know that since my hair has grown, and continues to grow, I’ve become a better person. My personal, professional, spiritual and creative growth has followed the same trajectory.

Once I stopped caring about society’s rules and preconceived notions of how to align with the norm and fall in line, I began to blossom exponentially.

29th June 2016

Ever feel like you are a million miles away from your destination?
Ever feel like you’ve woken up out of the hitchhike and thought to yourself ‘where the fuck am I, what the fuck am I doing?

I learnt on many occasions that I’m seldom content with anything. In my dreams I can’t seem to settle on a lottery prize money amount for me to be comfortable, I can’t seem to settle on the size of property that if like. Sure 100 Million GBP can buy you a big house or a place in the apartment but how about an island retreat where you can spend your days surrounded by nature?

I can’t help but feel like I need a change of scenery. Not sure if it’s Brexit and the rising animosity between the ‘native’ majority and us ‘foreigners’ or the fact that as I get older I realise the amount of time spent procrastinating and fearing the unknown could of been spent working towards finding my inner self in the outside world.

I feel lost.

It’s easy to get lost on this path called life. There’s so many distractions tugging away at your jacket, whispering inside your ear, calling and texting you, dropping mail through your letter box, inviting you to spend time with them. Distraction. Distractions. Zero action. Before you know it you’ve headed out on a tangent, riding the wind into nowhere as if you were Odysseus being blown off course by the Gods of Olympus as he made his way back to Ithaca to reside on his throne.

Could we all be Odysseus’?
Could we already know who we are subconsciously and already be in a place inside of our internal universe but the life we live on the outside is some form of mystery game where we have to find the clues and work out the riddles to get one step closer, catching up and find our future selves?

Imagine that for a second…

It must be true if you can visualise it. It must be factual if every time you close your eyes and journey inwards, you’re where you’ve always wanted to be. For some that may be chilling in the sun, empty beach, watching the horizon, mountainous terrain and rainforest behind you, paddling in the shallow waters and harvesting all the fruit and vegetables nature has to offer. I guess that’s my dream. Isolation. Solace. Freedom to think, feel and explore self.

I guess I just don’t want to leave this life having not lived up to or found my true potential. Somedays I’m certain with what I’m doing and other days I feel like I’m simply passing the time to get by. There’s all these plans and ideas inside of me but I feel as though I lack the time to finesse and execute them but the folks who do reach their potential have all the time in the world.

Am I up against a wall or is it my approach, have I been dealt an adverse hand or do I need to change my attitude?
Either way I plan on playing the long game. One day I’ll get to that desert island to relax and write books with no care for time passing by, staring up at the night sky watching the constellations pass overhead.

Nothing happens overnight, even if I do apply myself to my craft and go into overdrive, the long game always wins. Hard work often pays dividends at some point.

Peace

22nd June 2016, 0355

When that alarm chimes my first instinct is to snooze it. Then snooze again. And again. Then unlock my phone and lay in bed curled up questioning my need to get out of bed. In the moment between leaving my bed and turning off my alarm I try my hardest to stay awake. I then go in the bath and fight the temptation to soak and relax for as long as I can as opposed to getting straight to the point with an in and out in a matter of minutes. See it from my perspective, there’s probably 10-20 litres of hot relaxing water which aides my meditation and you really would like me to be ‘in and out’?

If I fall asleep I probably won’t wake up until my commitment for the day begins and being the guy I am I can’t lie and refuse to because lying just opens up a rabbit hole of possibilities; the back story, the details, remembering all of that information, trying not to be inconsistent, trying your hardest to consciously recall every detail. Bearing in mind that you made it up in the first place just to not feel silly. Yes there’s the traffic excuse but if there’s going to be traffic, leave extra early. Yes there’s the I thought my shift was at such and such, but that’s highly unlikely nowadays since you’re dripping in technology that reminds how much of a slave to time, communication and connectivity you are.

Keeping it real in comparison to lying is so much more straight forward and that’s why I don’t bother. I’m a simple man who detests unnecessary complications so I always tell the truth. I would say that at this point in conversation I tip my brim and raise a glass to the infidels who can live double or triple lives and juggle back stories for years on end as its a skill unto itself.

How do you manage to partition your brain to manage your relationships, how do you compartmentalise all of the details of each interaction?

It must take a lot of energy to uphold that and I’m surprised you don’t see a councillor to assist you in breaking it all down. With that command of deception I feel as though your skills would be better suited in the secret services or even as a writer. Not commenting on no person in particular but if the characters on the tv, film or general media are anything thing to go by -being the product of fantasy and predetermined storylines, it erm… Tangent?

Alas I digress…

I really hope that I’m not speaking into existence that I shall miss my alarm in the morning, arrive at my commitment later than expected with no worthy excuse apart from falling asleep quite early in the evening, researching theories and arguments in regards to the elite’s agenda to control and enslave the masses, false flags, and how much I need to save in order to go off the grid and live a life of freedom in the wilderness.

Let’s be honest, how would I translate the elaborate above into a restricted dotted line of the late form or will it really matter because as far as any employer is concerned you’re there to play your role within the system of operation. It’s a game of the red vs blue pill, how do you gain freedom -taking the necessary steps to do so, when much of your time is occupied with commitments?

I’m at an age where I would like to experience new lands, cultures and retrain in something transferable. I want to wake up and feel like my contribution to existence is significant. Yes writing and sharing positive energy assist others but will it propel me into outer space to explore, am I doing enough?

Maybe I need to drop out the ‘I’ and focus on my contribution being part of some collective energy. Maybe rather than focus on becoming, focus on the I Am. Rather than focus on what I need to do and just do it. Execute it, release it into the universe for all to access and spread the word.

Is me writing this post risky, some may think it’s cheeky but I’m certainly exercising my writing skills to translate a train of thought to the page because these words aren’t just my words or something you read on a screen, these are my future, present, and a great way of dealing with the past. After all this is my blog and fair enough I may have grown out of reviews, music and entertainment news in favour of posts like this but since I couldn’t sleep I thought I’d free the restlessness.

Peace

Monday 5th February 2024, 1239 GMT

Never thought I’d be one for a mirror reflection pep talk post shower but here I am.

I was up in that mirror eye to eye telling myself that I’m going to win and reminding myself that I’m a winner repeatedly.

Disappointment isn’t easy and the feeling of being left behind that comes with it leaves a nasty taste.
It lingers.

I’ve caught so many Ls just trying to progress here which have blessed me with a lot of lessons to proceed forward but that isn’t to say that it’s hard to sit with.

I’ve spoke to Chels many a time regarding a recurring theme of observing the wins of others and reflecting on my own situation but as much as I try to rationalise it, I have this lingering feeling of impatience.
I won’t say it’s envy, it’s impatience that’s driving me insane.

The more drawn out processes become is the more it festers in my head. It’s all consuming and tends to be all I can think about. I feel like I’m deteriorating as a result of it.

I live through the scenarios, all the alternate realities and then it settles to the one of what if…
I won the lottery, would I return or disappear or remain working securing the promotion.
I didn’t get it, the feeling of disappointment would be overkill. It’s everything that comes with it: questions, checking in, masking how I really feel.
I get it, happy days and I just will begin a journey of learning and mastery, maybe considering next steps.

I suppose I’m already basking in disappointment having not have been successful and knowing what’s required to advance my steps in the process I’m in.
I should prepare for an interview.
There’s no rebuttal regarding this. I’ve had so much time. There isn’t even an excuse worthy of why I haven’t. I already wrote I have no rebuttal so I shouldn’t even write anything past that point.

I just want to enjoy life and the rewards of hard work and potential. I’ve done the prerequisites, I’m trying to cash in and advance myself and prospects.

Buss me please