Saturday 19th March 2011

Pretzels look like twisted hearts covered in sweet sticky syrup. Sometimes bitter when covered in salt, sometimes sweet when covered in sugar, dark and sweet when covered in chocolate but twisted nonetheless.

I’ve never been a fan of pretzels, nor twisted hearts, because I’ve only ever tasted the ones covered in salt, I’ve never had the pleasure of indulging in a sweet pretzel.

You do get used to the taste of the salted and dried pretzels but you get to a point where you stop eating. You forget about the pretzel, what it tastes like, the scent, the texture, every single part of the pretzel becomes non existent in your taste memory, you only remember holding it in your hand and seeing it covered in those mahoosive rocks of salt, which require you to drink a gallon of water after each packet to rehydrate because every single pretzel in the packet is covered in gigantic rocks of salt.

Would you prefer another packet of Pretzels, one which hasn’t been open to invasion by the atmosphere, a closed tightly sealed packet, or a different flavour perhaps…

What happens when you’re in the midst of a sweetened pretzel?

Will you test the pretzel flavour placing it on the tip of your tongue, or shove the whole pretzel into your mouth and wait for the surprise?
Will you gamble all you fear on buying that lottery ticket for the chance of having a winning ticket?

How can you differentiate a twisted bitter heart from a pretzel when there’s no comparison, didn’t you say that you forgot what a pretzel looked, tasted, felt and smelt like, surely you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference?

How on earth could you compare a pretzel to a heart, how do you even remember the word pretzel and not have any idea of its associated images?

There are so many inconsistencies in your statements.

Story of my life…

Pretzels – twisted and bittersweet: broken, repaired, recovering, shattered, tarnished, mending, healing, sweet, warm, cold, lustful, loving, nurturing, bright, heavy, light, sour, misused, heartless

Friday 25th March 2011

The sun still shines after the darkest night, even after the darkest of grey clouds obstructs its view, its there in the midst of a storm shining bright, illuminating the path of life.

The sun still shines in the clear blue sky, on the brightest of days, when my mood is contrary to the weather, the sun shines brightly whilst I remain inside.

I don’t want to smile, I want to lay here in this duvet, wrapped in my own melancholy for a while.

I don’t want to climb out of my duvet, to glance out of the window to see the sights, I wish it was night time, I can’t seem to hide from the light.

Away from the sun I prefer to hide, today I feel like I’m hollow inside.

The sky outside of my window is bright, I feel like a stranger to the light, so I squint my eyes.

I can’t stop it from happening, revelations are bright, time to get out of this duvet and open my eyes to the light.

The sun still shines.

Sometimes we hold the power in our hands but we’re afraid to use it. Imagine that you have a set of superpowers but you’re scared to use it because with great power comes even greater responsibility.

Use the force to inspire change in the hearts and minds of others. Use your skills to carve a clear route through the impermeable present to a bright future.

Sitting beneath that dark cloud from to day has got you trapped within a set of self inflicted woes. Transform your mindset from victim to victor.

As you stand on that cliff edge with nothing but an abyss of possibility ahead of you and an orchard of woes behind you, what will you do?

There’s no parachute, rescue helicopter or absail, allow your wits to become your wings and fly.

3,2,1 jump…

Sunday 16th January 2023, 10:47am

Bismillah
What I say when I start my ayah
Showing praise to my creator
I’m grateful, words inspire
All praise is due to Allah
I show gratitude in my ayah
I don’t ask Allah is provider
Protector, teacher and guider
Bismillah ar-raheim ar-Rahman

Islam reflects what’s in nature
Which helps me understand creator
All praise is due to Allah
Bismillah ar-raheim ar-Rahman
The way I open my ayah
I’m grateful for my creator
Seek guidance in holy Quran
It flows so I fill up my cup.

Shortlands to Victoria station (Friday 1st March 2024, 11:12)

At the intersection of want and need
My career feels like stand still,
A process testing my patience and will
No matter how fast I run
I’m standing still…
Career on treadmill.

Interval sprints, start and stopping
Accelerating and slowing
Hanging on to what feels like an empty promise
I made to myself
I’ve just been grafting catching Ls
Setbacks and Lessons
As time goes by and I lose track of myself
I feel like I’ve failed.

Yo fam, What’s good, what’s popping?
When’s the new ting dropping?
I don’t when cah I ain’t been creating
Recording or writing
I’ve been swept away tryna get promoted
Inspiration ain’t been arriving…
As regular as I’ve wanted
Can’t say I ain’t had time,
I just ain’t been focused on creating.
I ain’t been disciplined
I haven’t been intentional with what I’ve done
Too much experimental creating whilst streaming
I went offline to align my feelings
Now I’m on this train
Journaling what’s in my brain
In the aftermath of feeling like
I’ve wasted a thousand days

(Amazing how much life can change in a year)

Wed 28th Sept 2022, 10:18

How many times must I start or theme a journal with “I’m lost”?

In this case I continued to question myself and realised that maybe I’m not feeling inadequate or lost at all.

I know what I’m doing, where I’m trying to get to and what I’m prioritising so essentially I’m my own self fulfilling prophecy.

The advice I’ve given others in conversation is what I’ve followed myself.

Remember when I was telling you lot to be careful what you’re running down for a few extra pence on the hour because you’ll end up in places you’d rather not be in?

Well after slumping out for a few months I think I’ve actually clocked the game and rose above it. I don’t complicate it, I’ve found stillness amongst it all. I’m at the rodeo but not being swept away by it, I’m simply just being.

There’s power in that and also being aware of it too. Only took a few weeks to get here and I think I came to that conclusion when I was brushing my teeth.

As the Jamaican philosophy of nonchalance and being ok with things in their state of being goes…

Any-ting a any-ting.

Sunday 7th August 2022, 03:33am

Time is an odd concept. You grow up in a lot of ways but in pursuit of virtues in order to find meaning and purpose, you forget that what you were chasing was the virtue you had assumed all along. At this point in life I’ve reclaimed my child-like innocence of eye and spirit.

When I approach my birthday I’m always in an indifferent place mentally, spiritually and physically because I’m just beavering away forecasting my next set of moves.

I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I will go all or nothing in all my pursuits because I owe it to the 12yr old Khalid who was naive with dreams.

I may not drop something on my birthday, however the next set of drops you see whether it be music, beats, vlog or podcast will be purposeful.

Peace

Monday 17th October 2022, 13:41

Life revolves around cycles.

Nature is one big cycle and being part of it, it would be unnatural to assume I am above the divine process of life’s cycle.

Just as water evaporates, condensates and precipitates, so do we go through a cycle.

Does it depend on what or who you are that determines the type of cycle, it’s length and scale of intensity but I suspect that it’s relative to the part you play in the production of nature itself.

I know this seems abstract but looking out onto the life outside of my own, especially as the autumn leaves begin to start their descent to the soil.

I can’t help but to reflect and appreciate the cycles we go through. It makes me appreciate every little moment because each stage, each season, serves a divine purpose.

The leaves that descend from the branches to the soil get a chance to provide sustenance to it. The same nutrients feed the roots of the tree and make it stronger in time for it to go full cycle and blossom on the branches once again.

Embrace your cycle.

For me I guess I go through cycles of creative outlets. Sometimes it’s the beats, sometimes it’s the words on the beats, sometimes it’s the self reflective podcasts and then I go back to the source which is the poetry.

That’s my cycle at the moment.

I feel this need to write as we approach the season of hibernation. Reflect on the seasons previous, scribe the notebook poetry to my journal app and then get that into a manuscript and possibly record. That’s what it’s about that’s my autumn to winter motive. Compile and schedule so I got a drop per month, keep me on my toes.

Wednesday 20th November 2024, 17:12

I’ve been awake for next to twenty hours and I’m so grateful to have the privilege of this warm and cosy bed, the central heating being on and having a secure place to call home. What we take for granted on a daily basis are some of the smallest things due to how many of us normalise the privileges afforded to us.

Gratitude

I’m grateful for having a hobby that keeps me occupied and up at night. Although I woke up at 4:50am to go to work, my main objective once finished was to get home and get to work on this blog. I’ve been trying to activate Google WebKit for days to somewhat no avail whilst trying to workout why none of my drafts are loading or saving using my phone. Also when drafting on my desktop the page goes blank and when I try to navigate back everything is lose. I’m also having beef with images and media too.

Who said this’ll be easy?

I didn’t think this would be easy when I decided to resurface but I feel like there are obstacles everyday that pop up whether it be saving and previewing drafts, attracting media. I’m annoyed at times but I’m not giving up. Nothing worth having is without its fair share of hardship and as this evolves I’m sure rewards would be reaped.

I’m going to sleep.

Peace

Saturday 21st November 2020, 14:00

I woke today wondering how I got to this point in life.

Like really.

I’m no stranger to self reflection but damn.

Some of the biggest personal questions you ask yourself at each life checkpoint were glossed over.

I can’t even sit here at my desk and wonder how I got to this point where I’m documenting a running theme into my digital journal.

It’s been the theme of the past few weeks but this time there’s a twist.

I’m actually questioning whether I want any of what I’ve been chasing these past 20 years.

Did I really want to be an artist, was that really my destiny or did I get led a stray by preconceived notions on what I felt I should be based on the limited representations I knew about?

I pursued sport in the early days as every child does but I’m not sure when I loss all interest.

I did a bit of art but weren’t really good or drew to the standards.

I didn’t really experience having a void to fill I kinda just fell into music because of the camaraderie that I saw.

I kinda followed my brother into it because it seemed to be fun.

I really like the way how music made me feel.

I listened to rap but didn’t care about the lyrics in my younger days, I was more into the beats and how they made my imagination run wild.

Music captured my imagination and hence became the catalyst of me becoming obsessed with it which then became my aspiration in life.

Honestly I was addicted.

All my friendships became centred around music in some way.

It got to a point where if I weren’t DJing or MCing with you, I didn’t really see the point of hanging around you.

I became trapped in my own echo chamber.

You can imagine that when disputes, disagreements and differences of opinions take place you kinda drift apart from people because your connections weren’t built on solid foundations like most people but business in some degree.

I wake up and look at my life now not with regret or anything but feeling like I’ve really been on reclusive autopilot tunnel vision for the best part of 14 years.

I’ve journeyed so far and deep into the centre of myself that I no longer know the difference between connection and detachment.

I’m so far removed from societal norms around personal interactions and relations that I’m questioning everything.

I really don’t know what normal is because I tend to see everything in third person as if I sit in the observation box of a stadium seeing things unfold.

I’m not conscious of the present, it’s always a few or several steps ahead. I can’t really compute anything outside of what I observe as I feel like I hear what is being said in context to the larger picture and if its transparent enough for me to see exactly what it is, I find it hard to convince myself to go against my better judgement to partake in stuff that isn’t compatible with me.

It often takes me longer than average to digest or understand something because I work with so many variables in order to come to a decision.

So in regards to the original question which is how did I end up here?

The answer is something I’ve always known.

My life has been one big ‘all your eggs in one basket’ where I’ve been biding my time until something pops off but it’s been relatively inactive for 16yrs and nothing has really popped off, so I find myself fantasising about winning the lottery and just making it through the days until something pops off and I can live better.

That is a self destructive mindset.

I realise that.

I know that.

I’ve identified through a frustrating thought process that a first step to freedom is to take control of my personal finances.

Today I realised that doing things until something has popped off is what has got me to a place where it feels as if I’ve fallen asleep on the train and woke up in a strange place that I don’t recognise.

It’s actually nuts.

Whilst writing this I took time out to get my hair re-twisted by my partner where I chose to watch a FIFA documentary roundup of Russia 2018.

I came across a quote by Fyodor Dostoevsky which reads:

Dreams seem to be induced not by reason but by desire, not by the head but by the heart, and yet what clever tricks my reason has sometimes played on me in dreams!

Fyodor Dostoevsky

I’ve had this running theme going through my self reflections which centre around having a purpose in life.

Every so often I’ll drift inwards and begin to examine myself in an attempt to figure out what mine is and whether I have one.

It often leaves me in a state of paralysis where I’m unable and uninspired to do anything because I realised that I’m so far removed from what it may be that I don’t even recognise what it is anymore.

Am I in purgatory; between a reality that I don’t quite fit into and my never ending desire for more than the prospect of what life actually is?

I dedicated an unhealthy amount of my life and mind to following the divining rod of creativity often at the expense of experiencing life in the present and forming connections.

If this were the matrix when Neo finds himself plugged into the incubator in a row of several infinite columns and rows, I just happen to be the one with the dodgy connector.

Sometimes I feel like I belong and other times I just feel inadequate and out of place despite how much I’ve tried to roll with it.

I’ve always felt a dissonance, you know a disharmony where I find comfort through journeying inwards and visualising my personal heaven inside.

There’s many things that I do just to get by

I keep telling myself that it’s in order to bide time

Until I figure out what I want to do and my true purpose in life

I can’t seem to find my way back to the life outside

How can I live the vision in the world with everyone else on the outside of my mind?

The day I concede to the average adult life is the day my vision dies inside.

Not only am I trying to escape the acceptance of a mundane and dormant life but the prison cell I’ve built for myself deep inside.