21st August 2017

December last year I had decided that I was not going to cut my hair until a collaborative project was released. The intended release date was April 2017 but was subsequently pushed back further and further. During the course of that time I have stayed true to my word, I haven’t cut it. There’s been times where I’ve cut my beard shorter but that’s about it. I really don’t have an end-goal but I feel as though I’ll never cut it.

My hair doesn’t define me in the slightest but it certainly is the stylistic piece I had been missing. It goes with everything; my choice of attire, my character, my frames, but more importantly it has come to be my deviant act of defiance against societal norms. When diving a little deeper beyond the act, I don’t totally reject nor dispel the norms as I go to the barbers every few weeks to neaten my hair, I style it to look like an organised mess and I actually care about how it looks. The defining factor as to why it is rebellious on a personal level is because I do it on my own terms.

I choose how I look, I don’t take into account the perception of others when getting dressed, styling my hair, or buying things. My style has become one with my identity; free flowing in form and spontaneous, functional and effortless, but look a little closer through the air of disorganisation and you begin to see the order of things.

These days I can’t even remember the last time I went to the barbers, rewind a few years and I was wasting money and time by being in the chair every week. I average £5-£10 a month on £5 neaten ups. The rest of the time I’m roaming with unkept but lightly styled hair, without a thought to what I’m doing further down the line. People often ask what I’m going to do with it and whether I’ll grow locks but I like it the way it is for now. I don’t wish to commit to anything, I just want to keep it free form and lightly twisted.

Apparently hair is an extension of your nervous system, some say it makes you more aware, and according to Aboriginal Americans it makes you a better hunter. I’m not sure about all the elaborate details but I know that since my hair has grown, and continues to grow, I’ve become a better person. My personal, professional, spiritual and creative growth has followed the same trajectory.

Once I stopped caring about society’s rules and preconceived notions of how to align with the norm and fall in line, I began to blossom exponentially.

29th June 2016

Ever feel like you are a million miles away from your destination?
Ever feel like you’ve woken up out of the hitchhike and thought to yourself ‘where the fuck am I, what the fuck am I doing?

I learnt on many occasions that I’m seldom content with anything. In my dreams I can’t seem to settle on a lottery prize money amount for me to be comfortable, I can’t seem to settle on the size of property that if like. Sure 100 Million GBP can buy you a big house or a place in the apartment but how about an island retreat where you can spend your days surrounded by nature?

I can’t help but feel like I need a change of scenery. Not sure if it’s Brexit and the rising animosity between the ‘native’ majority and us ‘foreigners’ or the fact that as I get older I realise the amount of time spent procrastinating and fearing the unknown could of been spent working towards finding my inner self in the outside world.

I feel lost.

It’s easy to get lost on this path called life. There’s so many distractions tugging away at your jacket, whispering inside your ear, calling and texting you, dropping mail through your letter box, inviting you to spend time with them. Distraction. Distractions. Zero action. Before you know it you’ve headed out on a tangent, riding the wind into nowhere as if you were Odysseus being blown off course by the Gods of Olympus as he made his way back to Ithaca to reside on his throne.

Could we all be Odysseus’?
Could we already know who we are subconsciously and already be in a place inside of our internal universe but the life we live on the outside is some form of mystery game where we have to find the clues and work out the riddles to get one step closer, catching up and find our future selves?

Imagine that for a second…

It must be true if you can visualise it. It must be factual if every time you close your eyes and journey inwards, you’re where you’ve always wanted to be. For some that may be chilling in the sun, empty beach, watching the horizon, mountainous terrain and rainforest behind you, paddling in the shallow waters and harvesting all the fruit and vegetables nature has to offer. I guess that’s my dream. Isolation. Solace. Freedom to think, feel and explore self.

I guess I just don’t want to leave this life having not lived up to or found my true potential. Somedays I’m certain with what I’m doing and other days I feel like I’m simply passing the time to get by. There’s all these plans and ideas inside of me but I feel as though I lack the time to finesse and execute them but the folks who do reach their potential have all the time in the world.

Am I up against a wall or is it my approach, have I been dealt an adverse hand or do I need to change my attitude?
Either way I plan on playing the long game. One day I’ll get to that desert island to relax and write books with no care for time passing by, staring up at the night sky watching the constellations pass overhead.

Nothing happens overnight, even if I do apply myself to my craft and go into overdrive, the long game always wins. Hard work often pays dividends at some point.

Peace

22nd June 2016, 0355

When that alarm chimes my first instinct is to snooze it. Then snooze again. And again. Then unlock my phone and lay in bed curled up questioning my need to get out of bed. In the moment between leaving my bed and turning off my alarm I try my hardest to stay awake. I then go in the bath and fight the temptation to soak and relax for as long as I can as opposed to getting straight to the point with an in and out in a matter of minutes. See it from my perspective, there’s probably 10-20 litres of hot relaxing water which aides my meditation and you really would like me to be ‘in and out’?

If I fall asleep I probably won’t wake up until my commitment for the day begins and being the guy I am I can’t lie and refuse to because lying just opens up a rabbit hole of possibilities; the back story, the details, remembering all of that information, trying not to be inconsistent, trying your hardest to consciously recall every detail. Bearing in mind that you made it up in the first place just to not feel silly. Yes there’s the traffic excuse but if there’s going to be traffic, leave extra early. Yes there’s the I thought my shift was at such and such, but that’s highly unlikely nowadays since you’re dripping in technology that reminds how much of a slave to time, communication and connectivity you are.

Keeping it real in comparison to lying is so much more straight forward and that’s why I don’t bother. I’m a simple man who detests unnecessary complications so I always tell the truth. I would say that at this point in conversation I tip my brim and raise a glass to the infidels who can live double or triple lives and juggle back stories for years on end as its a skill unto itself.

How do you manage to partition your brain to manage your relationships, how do you compartmentalise all of the details of each interaction?

It must take a lot of energy to uphold that and I’m surprised you don’t see a councillor to assist you in breaking it all down. With that command of deception I feel as though your skills would be better suited in the secret services or even as a writer. Not commenting on no person in particular but if the characters on the tv, film or general media are anything thing to go by -being the product of fantasy and predetermined storylines, it erm… Tangent?

Alas I digress…

I really hope that I’m not speaking into existence that I shall miss my alarm in the morning, arrive at my commitment later than expected with no worthy excuse apart from falling asleep quite early in the evening, researching theories and arguments in regards to the elite’s agenda to control and enslave the masses, false flags, and how much I need to save in order to go off the grid and live a life of freedom in the wilderness.

Let’s be honest, how would I translate the elaborate above into a restricted dotted line of the late form or will it really matter because as far as any employer is concerned you’re there to play your role within the system of operation. It’s a game of the red vs blue pill, how do you gain freedom -taking the necessary steps to do so, when much of your time is occupied with commitments?

I’m at an age where I would like to experience new lands, cultures and retrain in something transferable. I want to wake up and feel like my contribution to existence is significant. Yes writing and sharing positive energy assist others but will it propel me into outer space to explore, am I doing enough?

Maybe I need to drop out the ‘I’ and focus on my contribution being part of some collective energy. Maybe rather than focus on becoming, focus on the I Am. Rather than focus on what I need to do and just do it. Execute it, release it into the universe for all to access and spread the word.

Is me writing this post risky, some may think it’s cheeky but I’m certainly exercising my writing skills to translate a train of thought to the page because these words aren’t just my words or something you read on a screen, these are my future, present, and a great way of dealing with the past. After all this is my blog and fair enough I may have grown out of reviews, music and entertainment news in favour of posts like this but since I couldn’t sleep I thought I’d free the restlessness.

Peace

Monday 5th February 2024, 1239 GMT

Never thought I’d be one for a mirror reflection pep talk post shower but here I am.

I was up in that mirror eye to eye telling myself that I’m going to win and reminding myself that I’m a winner repeatedly.

Disappointment isn’t easy and the feeling of being left behind that comes with it leaves a nasty taste.
It lingers.

I’ve caught so many Ls just trying to progress here which have blessed me with a lot of lessons to proceed forward but that isn’t to say that it’s hard to sit with.

I’ve spoke to Chels many a time regarding a recurring theme of observing the wins of others and reflecting on my own situation but as much as I try to rationalise it, I have this lingering feeling of impatience.
I won’t say it’s envy, it’s impatience that’s driving me insane.

The more drawn out processes become is the more it festers in my head. It’s all consuming and tends to be all I can think about. I feel like I’m deteriorating as a result of it.

I live through the scenarios, all the alternate realities and then it settles to the one of what if…
I won the lottery, would I return or disappear or remain working securing the promotion.
I didn’t get it, the feeling of disappointment would be overkill. It’s everything that comes with it: questions, checking in, masking how I really feel.
I get it, happy days and I just will begin a journey of learning and mastery, maybe considering next steps.

I suppose I’m already basking in disappointment having not have been successful and knowing what’s required to advance my steps in the process I’m in.
I should prepare for an interview.
There’s no rebuttal regarding this. I’ve had so much time. There isn’t even an excuse worthy of why I haven’t. I already wrote I have no rebuttal so I shouldn’t even write anything past that point.

I just want to enjoy life and the rewards of hard work and potential. I’ve done the prerequisites, I’m trying to cash in and advance myself and prospects.

Buss me please

Wed 28th Sept 2022, 10:18

How many times must I start or theme a journal with “I’m lost”?

In this case I continued to question myself and realised that maybe I’m not feeling inadequate or lost at all.

I know what I’m doing, where I’m trying to get to and what I’m prioritising so essentially I’m my own self fulfilling prophecy.

The advice I’ve given others in conversation is what I’ve followed myself.

Remember when I was telling you lot to be careful what you’re running down for a few extra pence on the hour because you’ll end up in places you’d rather not be in?

Well after slumping out for a few months I think I’ve actually clocked the game and rose above it. I don’t complicate it, I’ve found stillness amongst it all. I’m at the rodeo but not being swept away by it, I’m simply just being.

There’s power in that and also being aware of it too. Only took a few weeks to get here and I think I came to that conclusion when I was brushing my teeth.

As the Jamaican philosophy of nonchalance and being ok with things in their state of being goes…

Any-ting a any-ting.

Sunday 7th August 2022, 03:33am

Time is an odd concept. You grow up in a lot of ways but in pursuit of virtues in order to find meaning and purpose, you forget that what you were chasing was the virtue you had assumed all along. At this point in life I’ve reclaimed my child-like innocence of eye and spirit.

When I approach my birthday I’m always in an indifferent place mentally, spiritually and physically because I’m just beavering away forecasting my next set of moves.

I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I will go all or nothing in all my pursuits because I owe it to the 12yr old Khalid who was naive with dreams.

I may not drop something on my birthday, however the next set of drops you see whether it be music, beats, vlog or podcast will be purposeful.

Peace

Monday 17th October 2022, 13:41

Life revolves around cycles.

Nature is one big cycle and being part of it, it would be unnatural to assume I am above the divine process of life’s cycle.

Just as water evaporates, condensates and precipitates, so do we go through a cycle.

Does it depend on what or who you are that determines the type of cycle, it’s length and scale of intensity but I suspect that it’s relative to the part you play in the production of nature itself.

I know this seems abstract but looking out onto the life outside of my own, especially as the autumn leaves begin to start their descent to the soil.

I can’t help but to reflect and appreciate the cycles we go through. It makes me appreciate every little moment because each stage, each season, serves a divine purpose.

The leaves that descend from the branches to the soil get a chance to provide sustenance to it. The same nutrients feed the roots of the tree and make it stronger in time for it to go full cycle and blossom on the branches once again.

Embrace your cycle.

For me I guess I go through cycles of creative outlets. Sometimes it’s the beats, sometimes it’s the words on the beats, sometimes it’s the self reflective podcasts and then I go back to the source which is the poetry.

That’s my cycle at the moment.

I feel this need to write as we approach the season of hibernation. Reflect on the seasons previous, scribe the notebook poetry to my journal app and then get that into a manuscript and possibly record. That’s what it’s about that’s my autumn to winter motive. Compile and schedule so I got a drop per month, keep me on my toes.

Wednesday 20th November 2024, 17:12

I’ve been awake for next to twenty hours and I’m so grateful to have the privilege of this warm and cosy bed, the central heating being on and having a secure place to call home. What we take for granted on a daily basis are some of the smallest things due to how many of us normalise the privileges afforded to us.

Gratitude

I’m grateful for having a hobby that keeps me occupied and up at night. Although I woke up at 4:50am to go to work, my main objective once finished was to get home and get to work on this blog. I’ve been trying to activate Google WebKit for days to somewhat no avail whilst trying to workout why none of my drafts are loading or saving using my phone. Also when drafting on my desktop the page goes blank and when I try to navigate back everything is lose. I’m also having beef with images and media too.

Who said this’ll be easy?

I didn’t think this would be easy when I decided to resurface but I feel like there are obstacles everyday that pop up whether it be saving and previewing drafts, attracting media. I’m annoyed at times but I’m not giving up. Nothing worth having is without its fair share of hardship and as this evolves I’m sure rewards would be reaped.

I’m going to sleep.

Peace

Saturday 21st November 2020, 14:00

I woke today wondering how I got to this point in life.

Like really.

I’m no stranger to self reflection but damn.

Some of the biggest personal questions you ask yourself at each life checkpoint were glossed over.

I can’t even sit here at my desk and wonder how I got to this point where I’m documenting a running theme into my digital journal.

It’s been the theme of the past few weeks but this time there’s a twist.

I’m actually questioning whether I want any of what I’ve been chasing these past 20 years.

Did I really want to be an artist, was that really my destiny or did I get led a stray by preconceived notions on what I felt I should be based on the limited representations I knew about?

I pursued sport in the early days as every child does but I’m not sure when I loss all interest.

I did a bit of art but weren’t really good or drew to the standards.

I didn’t really experience having a void to fill I kinda just fell into music because of the camaraderie that I saw.

I kinda followed my brother into it because it seemed to be fun.

I really like the way how music made me feel.

I listened to rap but didn’t care about the lyrics in my younger days, I was more into the beats and how they made my imagination run wild.

Music captured my imagination and hence became the catalyst of me becoming obsessed with it which then became my aspiration in life.

Honestly I was addicted.

All my friendships became centred around music in some way.

It got to a point where if I weren’t DJing or MCing with you, I didn’t really see the point of hanging around you.

I became trapped in my own echo chamber.

You can imagine that when disputes, disagreements and differences of opinions take place you kinda drift apart from people because your connections weren’t built on solid foundations like most people but business in some degree.

I wake up and look at my life now not with regret or anything but feeling like I’ve really been on reclusive autopilot tunnel vision for the best part of 14 years.

I’ve journeyed so far and deep into the centre of myself that I no longer know the difference between connection and detachment.

I’m so far removed from societal norms around personal interactions and relations that I’m questioning everything.

I really don’t know what normal is because I tend to see everything in third person as if I sit in the observation box of a stadium seeing things unfold.

I’m not conscious of the present, it’s always a few or several steps ahead. I can’t really compute anything outside of what I observe as I feel like I hear what is being said in context to the larger picture and if its transparent enough for me to see exactly what it is, I find it hard to convince myself to go against my better judgement to partake in stuff that isn’t compatible with me.

It often takes me longer than average to digest or understand something because I work with so many variables in order to come to a decision.

So in regards to the original question which is how did I end up here?

The answer is something I’ve always known.

My life has been one big ‘all your eggs in one basket’ where I’ve been biding my time until something pops off but it’s been relatively inactive for 16yrs and nothing has really popped off, so I find myself fantasising about winning the lottery and just making it through the days until something pops off and I can live better.

That is a self destructive mindset.

I realise that.

I know that.

I’ve identified through a frustrating thought process that a first step to freedom is to take control of my personal finances.

Today I realised that doing things until something has popped off is what has got me to a place where it feels as if I’ve fallen asleep on the train and woke up in a strange place that I don’t recognise.

It’s actually nuts.

Whilst writing this I took time out to get my hair re-twisted by my partner where I chose to watch a FIFA documentary roundup of Russia 2018.

I came across a quote by Fyodor Dostoevsky which reads:

Dreams seem to be induced not by reason but by desire, not by the head but by the heart, and yet what clever tricks my reason has sometimes played on me in dreams!

Fyodor Dostoevsky

I’ve had this running theme going through my self reflections which centre around having a purpose in life.

Every so often I’ll drift inwards and begin to examine myself in an attempt to figure out what mine is and whether I have one.

It often leaves me in a state of paralysis where I’m unable and uninspired to do anything because I realised that I’m so far removed from what it may be that I don’t even recognise what it is anymore.

Am I in purgatory; between a reality that I don’t quite fit into and my never ending desire for more than the prospect of what life actually is?

I dedicated an unhealthy amount of my life and mind to following the divining rod of creativity often at the expense of experiencing life in the present and forming connections.

If this were the matrix when Neo finds himself plugged into the incubator in a row of several infinite columns and rows, I just happen to be the one with the dodgy connector.

Sometimes I feel like I belong and other times I just feel inadequate and out of place despite how much I’ve tried to roll with it.

I’ve always felt a dissonance, you know a disharmony where I find comfort through journeying inwards and visualising my personal heaven inside.

There’s many things that I do just to get by

I keep telling myself that it’s in order to bide time

Until I figure out what I want to do and my true purpose in life

I can’t seem to find my way back to the life outside

How can I live the vision in the world with everyone else on the outside of my mind?

The day I concede to the average adult life is the day my vision dies inside.

Not only am I trying to escape the acceptance of a mundane and dormant life but the prison cell I’ve built for myself deep inside.

Friday 6th December 2024, 1207

The best way to achieve anything and avoid suffering from burnout is to concentrate on doing a little bit often rather than try and scale the whole task in one go.

Many times through life I’ve crammed for tests or in the case of my dissertation left it until the very last minute to start.

I misinterpreted my procrastination as ‘thriving under pressure’ or laziness but most often the rush of anxiety it gives you ultimately robs you of the sense of achievement after you’ve accomplished something.

The above is a result of a lack of fundamental prep and planning. I can attest to that, I lived that first hand.

My failure to think and operate with any form of long term planning and goal setting had me scarce in a survivalist mindset.

I was robbing myself of the joys that came with my accomplishments, I was simply relieved I made it over the obstacles.

Now imagine if I had plotted and schemed to scale these mountains, how better prepared I could’ve been. I would’ve excelled and exceeded my potential tenfold.

I’m not saying I haven’t had long term think or vision or even dreams, I just didn’t connect all my attributes strategically to excel.

I love where my journey is now and sitting on this train, enroute to work, I’ve finally made the connection.

It took me years to get here and now I’ve arrived at this epiphany I feel like it can only get better from here.

Self awareness and reflection, the gift that keeps giving.