Wed 28th Sept 2022, 10:18

How many times must I start or theme a journal with “I’m lost”?

In this case I continued to question myself and realised that maybe I’m not feeling inadequate or lost at all.

I know what I’m doing, where I’m trying to get to and what I’m prioritising so essentially I’m my own self fulfilling prophecy.

The advice I’ve given others in conversation is what I’ve followed myself.

Remember when I was telling you lot to be careful what you’re running down for a few extra pence on the hour because you’ll end up in places you’d rather not be in?

Well after slumping out for a few months I think I’ve actually clocked the game and rose above it. I don’t complicate it, I’ve found stillness amongst it all. I’m at the rodeo but not being swept away by it, I’m simply just being.

There’s power in that and also being aware of it too. Only took a few weeks to get here and I think I came to that conclusion when I was brushing my teeth.

As the Jamaican philosophy of nonchalance and being ok with things in their state of being goes…

Any-ting a any-ting.

Sunday 7th August 2022, 03:33am

Time is an odd concept. You grow up in a lot of ways but in pursuit of virtues in order to find meaning and purpose, you forget that what you were chasing was the virtue you had assumed all along. At this point in life I’ve reclaimed my child-like innocence of eye and spirit.

When I approach my birthday I’m always in an indifferent place mentally, spiritually and physically because I’m just beavering away forecasting my next set of moves.

I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that I will go all or nothing in all my pursuits because I owe it to the 12yr old Khalid who was naive with dreams.

I may not drop something on my birthday, however the next set of drops you see whether it be music, beats, vlog or podcast will be purposeful.

Peace

Monday 17th October 2022, 13:41

Life revolves around cycles.

Nature is one big cycle and being part of it, it would be unnatural to assume I am above the divine process of life’s cycle.

Just as water evaporates, condensates and precipitates, so do we go through a cycle.

Does it depend on what or who you are that determines the type of cycle, it’s length and scale of intensity but I suspect that it’s relative to the part you play in the production of nature itself.

I know this seems abstract but looking out onto the life outside of my own, especially as the autumn leaves begin to start their descent to the soil.

I can’t help but to reflect and appreciate the cycles we go through. It makes me appreciate every little moment because each stage, each season, serves a divine purpose.

The leaves that descend from the branches to the soil get a chance to provide sustenance to it. The same nutrients feed the roots of the tree and make it stronger in time for it to go full cycle and blossom on the branches once again.

Embrace your cycle.

For me I guess I go through cycles of creative outlets. Sometimes it’s the beats, sometimes it’s the words on the beats, sometimes it’s the self reflective podcasts and then I go back to the source which is the poetry.

That’s my cycle at the moment.

I feel this need to write as we approach the season of hibernation. Reflect on the seasons previous, scribe the notebook poetry to my journal app and then get that into a manuscript and possibly record. That’s what it’s about that’s my autumn to winter motive. Compile and schedule so I got a drop per month, keep me on my toes.

Wednesday 20th November 2024, 17:12

I’ve been awake for next to twenty hours and I’m so grateful to have the privilege of this warm and cosy bed, the central heating being on and having a secure place to call home. What we take for granted on a daily basis are some of the smallest things due to how many of us normalise the privileges afforded to us.

Gratitude

I’m grateful for having a hobby that keeps me occupied and up at night. Although I woke up at 4:50am to go to work, my main objective once finished was to get home and get to work on this blog. I’ve been trying to activate Google WebKit for days to somewhat no avail whilst trying to workout why none of my drafts are loading or saving using my phone. Also when drafting on my desktop the page goes blank and when I try to navigate back everything is lose. I’m also having beef with images and media too.

Who said this’ll be easy?

I didn’t think this would be easy when I decided to resurface but I feel like there are obstacles everyday that pop up whether it be saving and previewing drafts, attracting media. I’m annoyed at times but I’m not giving up. Nothing worth having is without its fair share of hardship and as this evolves I’m sure rewards would be reaped.

I’m going to sleep.

Peace

Saturday 21st November 2020, 14:00

I woke today wondering how I got to this point in life.

Like really.

I’m no stranger to self reflection but damn.

Some of the biggest personal questions you ask yourself at each life checkpoint were glossed over.

I can’t even sit here at my desk and wonder how I got to this point where I’m documenting a running theme into my digital journal.

It’s been the theme of the past few weeks but this time there’s a twist.

I’m actually questioning whether I want any of what I’ve been chasing these past 20 years.

Did I really want to be an artist, was that really my destiny or did I get led a stray by preconceived notions on what I felt I should be based on the limited representations I knew about?

I pursued sport in the early days as every child does but I’m not sure when I loss all interest.

I did a bit of art but weren’t really good or drew to the standards.

I didn’t really experience having a void to fill I kinda just fell into music because of the camaraderie that I saw.

I kinda followed my brother into it because it seemed to be fun.

I really like the way how music made me feel.

I listened to rap but didn’t care about the lyrics in my younger days, I was more into the beats and how they made my imagination run wild.

Music captured my imagination and hence became the catalyst of me becoming obsessed with it which then became my aspiration in life.

Honestly I was addicted.

All my friendships became centred around music in some way.

It got to a point where if I weren’t DJing or MCing with you, I didn’t really see the point of hanging around you.

I became trapped in my own echo chamber.

You can imagine that when disputes, disagreements and differences of opinions take place you kinda drift apart from people because your connections weren’t built on solid foundations like most people but business in some degree.

I wake up and look at my life now not with regret or anything but feeling like I’ve really been on reclusive autopilot tunnel vision for the best part of 14 years.

I’ve journeyed so far and deep into the centre of myself that I no longer know the difference between connection and detachment.

I’m so far removed from societal norms around personal interactions and relations that I’m questioning everything.

I really don’t know what normal is because I tend to see everything in third person as if I sit in the observation box of a stadium seeing things unfold.

I’m not conscious of the present, it’s always a few or several steps ahead. I can’t really compute anything outside of what I observe as I feel like I hear what is being said in context to the larger picture and if its transparent enough for me to see exactly what it is, I find it hard to convince myself to go against my better judgement to partake in stuff that isn’t compatible with me.

It often takes me longer than average to digest or understand something because I work with so many variables in order to come to a decision.

So in regards to the original question which is how did I end up here?

The answer is something I’ve always known.

My life has been one big ‘all your eggs in one basket’ where I’ve been biding my time until something pops off but it’s been relatively inactive for 16yrs and nothing has really popped off, so I find myself fantasising about winning the lottery and just making it through the days until something pops off and I can live better.

That is a self destructive mindset.

I realise that.

I know that.

I’ve identified through a frustrating thought process that a first step to freedom is to take control of my personal finances.

Today I realised that doing things until something has popped off is what has got me to a place where it feels as if I’ve fallen asleep on the train and woke up in a strange place that I don’t recognise.

It’s actually nuts.

Whilst writing this I took time out to get my hair re-twisted by my partner where I chose to watch a FIFA documentary roundup of Russia 2018.

I came across a quote by Fyodor Dostoevsky which reads:

Dreams seem to be induced not by reason but by desire, not by the head but by the heart, and yet what clever tricks my reason has sometimes played on me in dreams!

Fyodor Dostoevsky

I’ve had this running theme going through my self reflections which centre around having a purpose in life.

Every so often I’ll drift inwards and begin to examine myself in an attempt to figure out what mine is and whether I have one.

It often leaves me in a state of paralysis where I’m unable and uninspired to do anything because I realised that I’m so far removed from what it may be that I don’t even recognise what it is anymore.

Am I in purgatory; between a reality that I don’t quite fit into and my never ending desire for more than the prospect of what life actually is?

I dedicated an unhealthy amount of my life and mind to following the divining rod of creativity often at the expense of experiencing life in the present and forming connections.

If this were the matrix when Neo finds himself plugged into the incubator in a row of several infinite columns and rows, I just happen to be the one with the dodgy connector.

Sometimes I feel like I belong and other times I just feel inadequate and out of place despite how much I’ve tried to roll with it.

I’ve always felt a dissonance, you know a disharmony where I find comfort through journeying inwards and visualising my personal heaven inside.

There’s many things that I do just to get by

I keep telling myself that it’s in order to bide time

Until I figure out what I want to do and my true purpose in life

I can’t seem to find my way back to the life outside

How can I live the vision in the world with everyone else on the outside of my mind?

The day I concede to the average adult life is the day my vision dies inside.

Not only am I trying to escape the acceptance of a mundane and dormant life but the prison cell I’ve built for myself deep inside.

Friday 6th December 2024, 1207

The best way to achieve anything and avoid suffering from burnout is to concentrate on doing a little bit often rather than try and scale the whole task in one go.

Many times through life I’ve crammed for tests or in the case of my dissertation left it until the very last minute to start.

I misinterpreted my procrastination as ‘thriving under pressure’ or laziness but most often the rush of anxiety it gives you ultimately robs you of the sense of achievement after you’ve accomplished something.

The above is a result of a lack of fundamental prep and planning. I can attest to that, I lived that first hand.

My failure to think and operate with any form of long term planning and goal setting had me scarce in a survivalist mindset.

I was robbing myself of the joys that came with my accomplishments, I was simply relieved I made it over the obstacles.

Now imagine if I had plotted and schemed to scale these mountains, how better prepared I could’ve been. I would’ve excelled and exceeded my potential tenfold.

I’m not saying I haven’t had long term think or vision or even dreams, I just didn’t connect all my attributes strategically to excel.

I love where my journey is now and sitting on this train, enroute to work, I’ve finally made the connection.

It took me years to get here and now I’ve arrived at this epiphany I feel like it can only get better from here.

Self awareness and reflection, the gift that keeps giving.

Keep Going

Tuesday, 3rd December 2014, 08:13

Whatever you’re doing don’t stop, keep going.

Despite you feeling like you’re building your beach grain by grain, keep going.

Focus on the moment, action by action, keep going.

Focus on the journey, step by step, keep going.

Sooner or later when you pause to rest and reflect, you’ll discover how far you’ve travelled.

The road that seemed to have no end, seems at least to have gifted you a change of scenery.

Look at how much you’ve grown.

You’ve got many tales to share.

Keep going, keep sharing, keep creating.

Context (Origins of Autobiography of a Nobody)

In two days I’ve made 2 sales of my EP, Autobiography of a Nobody to some DJs from Tel Aviv that I never knew would’ve known I ever existed, all thanks to me sharing my work via Soundcloud a few days earlier. When I messaged Verti Sahara to say thank you, she shared that I was found on the discovery page and she’d play ‘I’m Mad’ to open her set that weekend. When I think about the circumstances that I wrote and produced that track, even writing and publishing it a few days before her purchase it fills me with an immense sense of gratitude that my music is being heard. Paid for at that. A few days later I received another notification that another had purchased too. This may have been a result of Verti dropping the track at the rave and then maybe asking about the song. Again I sent a message to express my gratitude.

This has been the cherry on top of spending a majority of the past two weeks getting my affairs in order. The collective £8 (£10 before Bandcamp fees) within a few days of each other made me realise that it weren’t a fluke, word of mouth recommendations are equally as important as ‘social reach’ and it also reassured me that there are still DJs out there that search for music. Sounds very ignorant on my part to be honest, maybe because I haven’t DJ’d in years but I’m still amazed. I guess you can tell that when I create and release music my expectations are pretty low concerning listeners and even more purchasers. I knew about the power of Bandcamp as a consumer from my DJ days but now as a creator I’ll be paying so much more attention. It’s definitely given me the boost and incentive to keep going.

Make good music, everyone buys it. – Primark Boy

Stream / Purchase link for Autobiography of a Nobody

Saturday 12th December 2020, 02:38

The game is effed.

I tried to wade upstream against the current as pride and price didn’t allow me to enter draws and raffles to catch Ls.

I’m deffo an old head that still lives in the glory days of obscure online independent retailers and lesser known stores dotted through the city.

Nostalgia is a strong force of nature, so much so that I cast my net in the perpetual abyss of limited supply at a stupidly high price in hope that I reel in a prized catch of some of the finest silhouettes and OG colourways that tell a thousand tales, passed down from pair to pair over the years.

I went through my functional phase, I tried the present day models but theres nothing like the allure of a retro pair of Nike.

These iconic kicks aren’t just shoes they’re aspiration, ambition, accomplishment, heritage, statements, accents, moods, memories… it’s a feeling.

The fresh out the box smell never gets old, nor does the returning them back to the box after their once every trimester wear.

I may be salty sometimes at never managing to cop a lot of pairs but deep down I must admit the price has me running scared but if it’s a particular type of retro OG I will cop with no expense spared.

Nike Verse (September 2010)

Since this is about ‘sneakers’ I thought I’d share this rare gem…

This verse was laid on a beat that I named ‘Churchill’ (after the nodding pooch) way back in the early days of my music production journey. The wider song is a track called Foxy which, as cringe as the title sounds, was made whilst I was at University. I took it to the studio as part of a recording project and created a polished, chart worthy pop-song that never saw the light of day because I always preferred the original which was created in Logic 8 and recorded in my bedroom studio on a Samson USB condenser mic (regret selling that when replaced with the Rode NT1-A in 2012 and giving away my Oxygen 8 keyboard because I’m a sucker for artefacts).

Connecting Dots

I’d go so far as to say that the year this picture was taken (excuse the FHM calendar, I was young), I made a lot of the songs featured on Autobiography of a Nobody and Rhythm & Prose: 1012BC as I had just come out of the Up In The Ear era (may be the next legacy drop in the trend of archive revivals). This was a fun time and I’m glad I’m in a place where I can connect the dots. Even seeing this picture and digging through my Logic Pro archives to fish out this Nike verse has given me inspiration to share stories because this is what a blogs are for.

What does ‘allure’ mean to you, what’s your thing, what’s your feeling?

So granted it’s been a very long time since I last checked in to post an update and I’m neither ashamed at it nor filled with regret at not posting because I’ve been living it up. I’ve been doing video mainly, not so much podcasting nor even beat making but heavily creating video. I often forget to post it to the blog and I’m not even mad that I keep forgetting to do so. I don’t even forget, I just can’t be bothered a lot of the time. Not even neglectful in the slightest, I’ve just changed.

I find myself writing these updates again in solitude so you know that means that I’m on the cusp of change once again. A lot has changed and perhaps whilst I’m in that state between process, metamorphosis and destination, I’m ere trying to slow down to make sense of how I’m about to scale the obstacle of the process. Something that I did not respect nor pa much attention to but I realise that getting past a process is probably the most important fight.

Deep down we know we can do something but often the process barrier between you and the thing which you desire and are incredibly great at is the difference between doing and being a bystander. I agonised over getting something done whereby my life was on pause for weeks whilst I fought to be untouchable. The process showed me that when you ask for help people are always willing to lend their perspective, also when you take the time to understand and implement the changes to do things properly things change for the better and you become the benchmark of success.

Remember what I said earlier, I didn’t respect the process. I never placed much emphasis, energy nor importance on it. I became somewhat my own barrier to being successful by doing it all wrong. In his short space of time I’ve not only learnt a bunch about myself but developed the mindset that anything is possible when you push yourself harder that you ever have. I’ve actioned a process where I don’t rest on my skills but actively develop my talents by pushing myself further.

Who knew that an opportunity would force me into action the way it did but I did make a pact to myself at the start of 2023 that I would go harder than I ever have and take advantage of every opportunity I get. No more laid back, too cool for school but strive for the best and hold myself accountable by challenging myself to always do better and not get complement.

Right… Now the awkward address for my lack of activity is out the way I guess I can continue with creating some content or to be honest, just update regularly with a mixture of what I’m doing.

Peace.