I remember my dad asking me random questions like that and they would baffle the hell outta me. Funny how a question so simple turns into an elaborate answer of ifs, buts, and maybes. It doesn’t even require much thought or even an answer other than yes or no because it’s a close ended question.

Maybe I confuse myself by mistaking happiness for stagnation or living so far ahead in the future rather than the present. I find myself living for the end of things whether it be an appointment, the first half of a shift, the working day, the commute home, the cycle of promotion for an event, the event night itself, phone calls, conversations, awkward small talk… I look forward to the end of everything, in a majority of situations.

I’m at my happiest when I’m nestled away all alone in silence, laying down staring out of the window and breathing. Most of the things that get to us on a day to day or moment to moment are so insignificant it’s unreal. Think of the salary you get to go to work, is it ever or will it ever be enough when you think of all the things you could be doing with your time. The audacity that someone has decided how much an hour of your time is worth and offered you employment as if they’ve did you the favour is a mad ting.

If you didn’t have to work due to the financial commitments and spending habit you’ve developed over the corse of a few years what would you really be doing day to day?

I’d probably be laying on my bed staring up and out of the window in silence, listening to the sounds of outside.
I may even be under a tree, sitting in the shade, admiring the skyline and sights of the city.
I could be in another place with my girl exploring a foreign land and observing a different set of cultural customs.

Time is precious and with every moment you should be maximising your time by doing something you love rather than continue to torment yourself in a deep pool of pretence.

Don’t get it twisted, I love what I do for living and the brand I work for but I always wonder whether I’m living my life’s purpose. I always wonder if I’m really where I want to be, doing what I’m doing.

Does the work, energy and passion equate to the reward or am I continually selling myself short?

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A meme told me that it’s better to be a warrior in a garden than be a gardener in a war, and right about now I feel like I’ve been in this garden for so long that I’ve lost my skill for swashbuckling words.

No matter how hard I’ve tried these past few hours, I can’t seem to get the wrist to wield the blade with enough flexibility, I actually feel stiff. It seems that no matter how much times I lunge forward, I pull a muscle.

My blade is blunt, uninspired and rather sluggish. I have no immediate urgency to prep for battle, nowadays a blank page is pretty much just a page. Gone are the days where I’d roam the blank screen with empty lines and swashbuckle my way through my anxieties. The misadventures have taken much more of a politically aware and activist narrative, no longer are they steeped in self absorption where I cower behind the mask of allegory, dressed in black from head to toe, assassinating and capturing the head of my anxieties like a contracted ninja of my subconscious shogun.

My sword ain’t blunt fam, this skill is still sharp my brudda. Rather than tip toe through the shadows like a coward, I’m on the frontline, preening my flowers, nurturing my plants and removing weeds from my garden so spontaneous thoughts can sprout into nutritious vegetation and bear fruit.

So sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s better to be a warrior in a garden rather than a gardener on a battlefield because I’m happy, content and on a path to elevate, evolve and inspire. I can’t beat myself up because I’m transitioned from unfiltered reactive into considered active.

I realised that my strength resides not in outdoing anyone lyrically, being self absorbed and dressing my frustrations up in fancy metaphor and similes, I should use my powers for the greater good and become a gardener, cultivate food and flowers for thought.

I’ve just got to make sure that I train more frequently in order to balance my sword skills, and also to spend more time in the garden.

Peace.

Warrior or Gardener is featured on Cogitation

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https://soundcloud.com/whereisko/warrior-or-gardener